Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

Company Policy

I do not know who to attribute this to, but it has the whiff of the "profound"...


Start with a cage containing six monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a bunch of bananas above the monkeys just out of reach, then place a stool under it that would enable the monkeys to stand on the stool and reach the bananas. Before long, a monkey will go stand on the stool and reach towards the bananas.  As soon as he touches the bananas, researchers (or HR) spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.  After a while, another monkey makes an attempt to reach for a banana and all the other monkeys get sprayed with cold water again. Pretty soon, the monkeys figure out when any monkey gets on the stool, the other monkeys get sprayed with cold water. They now gang up on any monkey who even touches the stool to prevent from being sprayed.

Once the monkeys are fully conditioned, researchers put away the cold water and remove one of the original monkeys from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the bananas and decides to hop up onto the stool. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys viciously attack him.  After several more attempts that result in epic beat downs, he learns that if he tries to climb the stool, he will suffers acute assault and battery. 

Next, remove another of the original six monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer jumps on to the stool and he immediately receives a wicked thrashing. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!  

One by one, replace each of the remaining original monkeys with a new monkey and wait until the 'new' monkey learns not to stand on the stool.  Ironically as the process continues, the new monkeys participating in the enforcement beatings have no idea why they are flogging the new monkey. 

After all the original monkeys have been replaced, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey dares to approach the stool and retrieve a banana. 

Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.  And that, my friends, is how company policy is made.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Handyman's Anthem

Sung to the tune of our beloved National Anthem

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

==========   Handyman's Version ==========  

Oh, say can you see by the buzz of fluorescent light
What so proudly we repaired is now smoking and steaming.

Whose shoddy work the duct tape now holds tight,
O'er the rafters we watched as the bent frame started leaning

and the wife's eyes they do glare, with bursting pipes everywhere
Gave proof through the night that our house was still there

Oh say does that renovation cause the flooring to wave,
O'er landlords advice, "Time to move into a cave".

Monday, June 25, 2007

Oxymorons, Redundancies & Non Sequiturs

Oxymorons

Country Music
Constructive Criticism
Normal Family
Victimless Crime
Rational Atheist
Business Ethics
Ungrateful Christian
White Witchcraft
Harmless Heresy
Gay Marriage
Federal Reserve
Scientific Evolution
Efficient Government
Native American – think about this one – someone else “named” them Americans…
Carnal Christian
Moral Ambivalence
Found Missing
Competing Churches
Human Achievement

“Mono-Oxymorons”
Abbreviation
Phonetic

Redundancies
Worldly Desires
Destructive Heresies
Sinful Man
Christian Evangelism
Sarcastic Teenager
Government Taxation
Ambitious Politician
Consensus of opinion
Finally in conclusion

Meaningless Phrases (detached from logic, reason, or reality)
Gun Free Zone
Government Surplus
Undocumented Worker
“We own the future”
Free with purchase…

The Profound Sayings of Rachel...


"Sorry I didn't call earlier Daddy, but I was cleaning my M-16..."
"Never trust a man wearing lipstick."
"The level of vitriol I have for technology always elevates higher than I thought possible"
I can tell we've just entered "the Bob Zone"....
"Oh, like I'm sure my life depends on knowing who Glenn Campbell is...."
"Why is it that idiots are always the loudest people in the room?"